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My name is Chip. I'm a 22 year old gay male. A couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with paranoid pd, and it sort of frames my life to make everything fit like a puzzle. I started medication a couple weeks ago and I'm still waiting for it to kick in. My doc started me off on 200mg/d Wellbutrin and 0.25g/d Rispirdal.
This is a disorder I've lived with probably for the past four or five years, but I never thought I had anything because my friends who were worried about me, who did indeed say I had SOMETHING, were believed to be targeting me. I was forced into therapy by them, and after I had a falling out, I went off the deep end. Then for the following three years, I self medicated with pot and any other drug I could get my hands on. Eventually I got arrested for possession, and through probation I quit all drugs out of my own volition; evidently, nothing good ever came of drugs, because I was back to my old crazy self and my personality did not improve, nor did it while I was smoking. Now that I'm past the long denial period, I am relieved to finally know what I can work on, and I'm making amends with all my old friends who deserve it. I could go on forever about all the angry reactions I've made while being hypersensitive to people, when it was very clear that something was in fact wrong with me, but I think I'd be talking to a wall seeing the activity of this community. I'll be watching to see if things ever pick up here because I'd really like to find someone to relate to. I do know how misdiagnosed this disease is, so it would be nice to see a buddy who I share things in common with.
January 10 2009, 11:48:45 UTC 3 years ago
It has been a long time since I've checked in to this community since i created it 5 yrs ago! However...yes, paranoia doesn't necessarily "go away" in my opinion, regardless of drug use/abuse/abstinence. I think perhaps abuse fucks with the mind more than use and abstinence. But regardless...
Yes, agreed, things are quite slow here...I have not wrote as much as I would like to due to a few things, a) I do not have regular access to a comp and b) I do not write as much as I would love to due to (a).
Misdiagnosed, yes. So...what do you feel peace with? What makes you feel calm? I am certainly not a psych expert as I deal with my own paranoid thoughts, but I am under the impression that life is really a one time deal, and while I'm not out to overshoot my dreams, I think living in a calmness opens up doors. I realize the statement may come off as neutralizing, but I feel it's a strength...if you're calm and you love life everything just explodes one minute after the other :-)
I will try to come on more often as I do feel this is a strong community that is indeed misunderstood.
January 11 2009, 00:50:14 UTC 3 years ago
Yes, drug abuse certainly does indeed exacerbate all of the already bad situations, and not only clouds your judgment, but detaches you from reality even more. This is why my substance abuse counselor likes this new goal I set, because it involved getting rid of drugs. I think that depression makes the disorder a hundred times worse because it causes me to give in to negative cyclic thinking, to the point where thoughts turn in to obsessions.
I'm hoping that medication will help me rationalize paranoid thoughts to, like you said, open up new doors. PPD has kept me from having a close relationship with a friend for over a year. Sure, the thoughts won't go away, but I don't have to fall victim to them... by controlling my thoughts I can have ownership over my behavior. Sometimes I can't tell if my thoughts are true or false, so I have to ask my friends for help sorting it out... I'm not used to reaching out with this, it's something pretty new to me.
It's hard for me to find peace with this at this moment because it's so alarming to learn that just about every fight I've had with my old friends had no basis, and my falling out with them is only because I lost control of myself due to my disorder, not because they were "out to get me." I do feel at peace once I finally told this to them. Just yesterday I got a really big break, because one of my friends who I had a falling out with as recently as a couple months ago half understood what I was going through because she's severely bipolar. Although one is a mood disorder and the other is a personality disorder, she knows what it's like to have lost control of yourself and have it impact your friendships and relationships with your family. I'm very fortunate to have a family that has provided tremendous support because they know it impedes on all areas of my life, especially now.
I can tell, though, that this is a battle that has only just begun. I can't go back to these people and say "everything is okay again," because I have only just become aware of this disorder. On the other hand, it's stupid to say that PPD has to hold everyone back. My capabilities and dreams can easily be met as long as my thoughts are kept under control. My old manager gave me a great piece of advice when I had a dumbass as a partner for the day as he heard my complaints. He said, "Chip, don't ever let anything hold you back." I kind of feel like these thoughts are holding me back a LOT, and I want so bad to change it.
I think that's SO COOL you're a Secret of Mana fan!!! That is hands-down my favorite game of all-time, more so than Final Fantasy Tactics. I've always wanted to get a Flammie tattoo but then the permanence of tattoos has always kept me from getting one...