Mara (jovialtarantism) wrote in paranoid_pd,
Mara
jovialtarantism
paranoid_pd

On my way home.

Hi there! I have ppd and am learning how to manage it. Throughout my life I used lying to deal with the symptoms and appear as average as possible. Unfortunately I realized lying could get me the constant attention I so depserately craved. The lies got worse and worse over the past three years. Finally, the man I was dating passed away and I lost control of my tongue. I told people I'd been raped, I became depressed and suicidal. I want so desperately to be gone that I started telling people I was terminally ill.

I was diagnosed a pathological liar, yet still fed of the attention and grew depressed and terrified that they all knew. The clash between the two conditions drove me deeper in 'till I had a full mental break down. Many of my friends walked away and ignore me on the street still.

This was a year ago. Therapy has been rough at times. I had a hard time trusting the therapist at first. I had to deal with emotions regarding my parents and the boys I loved. I spent weeks in bed refusing to move. I wanted to die but I was so lucky to have a few friends who stood by me and stood as unwavering pillars. I decided to not be medicated at any point since I'd seen medication do harm to close friends. I have been going through this with phsychotherapy and taking better care of my health (excersize, vitamins, eating right) and keeping a few people close by.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have a friend who knows what is going on and will always answer or call me back so I don't have to panic. I always put up a Live Journal page so I can tell my friends what is happening thoughout the treatment and know how to help.

I feel it is so important to educate those around you so they understand what to and not do and can better help you.

This January I am having my first public art showing, something I've been terrified to do before this. I will never be a completely average person, but it's our flaws that make us unique. I also know, without ppd, I wouldn't have figured out so boldly who to trust and how to be a good person. Plus, I can know understand others better than ever before

The time I spent alone reading and recovering has taught me more than I could have asked for. I am sorry for all of the people I hurt and attacked in the process but it feels so good to wake up feel loved. You just have to tell people what you need and let them love you, even if it means answering your phone more often or going out when you can't. Some people won't forgive you and wont love you, but that just makes those who do all the more wonderful.

And follow your feelings, even if they aren't always pretty.

"“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind."
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